How do I tell him who I am and what will happen to him when he will be with me? How do I tell him that everything that he thinks he knew about women will go out of the window and if he expects the magazine version of a woman, looking perfect, silent, sweet and always smiling he will experience a cold shower of wake up. And that this will be the best thing what will happen in his whole life.
How do I tell him that I am free and at any moment he will want to control me he will burn, his ego will burn? That I will not take care of his insecurities, and I will not please his ego to calm him down. I will not be silent to make him feel right and keep him in ignorance, even when I know I can use that to manipulate him in a way that he will not even notice.
Instead, I will speak the truth even when my voice shakes, I will risk losing his respect and being seen as silly or crazy. I will speak the truth even when he will hate me for it, that I will slow down until he will feel his feelings, and stay with him until he owns them until he will own his raw power and stay fully in his presence. That I will be connecting with that true part of himself and I won’t settle for anything else. That I want him fully, I want his full presence even if it is for few minutes only.
That I can’t accept crumbs anymore and pretend I have had a whole meal. I can’t fake it till I make it. I cannot tell myself - it’s ok at least I’ll be skinny. I can’t be skinny from attention and love anymore. I can’t. How do I tell him that even if I truly want to fit in in any expectations he will put on me I can’t. That I am being of love. I have to give love and I have to receive love. And anything else what is not love, I can’t.
How do I tell him that I am not afraid of his intensity and hunger and that he doesn’t have to tiptoe around me, lie to me to protect me from the reality, and hold back his hands with him, hands which want to pull me closer and hold me? How do I tell him that he needs to slow down and feel me, that when he is scared and uses force I disappear? That I need him to hold space for me to come out. How do I tell him that I am generous and that giving feels good to me, that he doesn’t have to take, because there is even more available, and when he will stop taking, he will have so much more?
How do I tell him that it will not be easy but it will be worth it?
